The Bum Knight

My girlfriend came over today to spend the fourth of July with me and my family. It was quite lovely, except for the really shitty weather which ruined my hopes of having a BBQ that took place outdoors for once. I really wanted a fucking turkey burger. After spending a few hours cuddling and watching TV I eventually fell asleep. In my slumber I had the most vivid/awesome dream about Batman being a bum. Definitely something I would be interested in seeing. I guess this came from watching a leaked version of Batman: Gotham Knight the day before. Anyway, Batman had lost all his money. It begins with him standing in the drizzle, Alfred holding an umbrella over his masters head. A huge foreclosure sign hangs on the gate like doors of Wayne Manor. I'm not really sure what had happened but I'm assuming Wayne Corp. has gone under or quite possibly bought out and Bruce had the house taken away from him or lost it by some other means. This is why my dreams are awesome, they form a story in such a way that I have to guess whats going on, making it more adventurous.

A few years pass by. Alfred and Bruce have gone their separate ways. Al is still a butler but for a new family with many children which he adores. Bruce...well Bruce lives in the sewers dressed as Batman. So this lead me to believe that despite the fact that Batman has lost everything, he still wants to do his job. He needs to do his job. Which explains why Alfred isn't with him. Bruce probably told him he's better off working with a new family and that he still has things to take care off. He can't bring the only person that was there for him all his life, the one person he really loved into the gutter.

So Batman looks like a mess. But an awesome mess. His cape is fucking grimy and wet. His costume is practically falling apart. It's a wonder that his mask is still holding itself together. The next thing I remember is Batman going back to Wayne Manor which is now abandoned and resembling a haunted house. He breaks into the house from a window and makes his way into the infamous Batcave. The cave is dark and dank as fuck, much like his new home. It's every bit as creepy as it was before, but it seems like this place was forged in his fucking nightmares. The Batmobile is rusted. His giant computer covered in webs. It was very cool.

After a few moments of reminiscing, Batman hears a very familiar laugh. A laugh you don't ever fucking forget. Batman instinctively jumps into "oh shit" mode as The Joker walks out of the shadows giggling. The Joker looks just as dirty as Batman does. Tattered clothing. Dirt on his white clown face, making it a dark gray. They begin to share some dialogue about how he always knew who Batman was, but it never mattered to him because it was never real. He's just as bad as every villian he had ever put away in Arkham. Bruce was a persona he had long abandoned. Batman was his rightful identity. So The Joker went into hiding, and he hid in the cave waiting for Batman.

It seems in the time between Wayne loosing the money and Batman seeing The Joker, he hasn't been fully active as a crime fighter. I'm assuming without assistance from his toys or a bitchin' car to get the fuck out of a tight jam, he didn't have it in him to do it as much as he did before. Plus I'm sure since Alfred is gone and can't patch him abck up, going to the nearest Gotham Free Health Clinic is just not in the cards. Which leads me to believe that he had to pick and choose his battles. Do you defend the young lady being attacked by a mugger weilding a small switchblade? Or do you go after the ten or twelve bank robbers carrying sub machine guns? I'm sure the old Batman would say, "Fuck it. I'll do both!". But this time, he has to choose the lesser of two evils.

With Batman out of the big picture, The Joker had no one. He needs his Batman. He needs his nemesis. But he needs him in his prime. He needs him to go into the shit with him, guns a blazzin'. The Joker explains this to Batman and tells him that he's going to do him the biggest favor he's ever done anyone. He's going to make him whole again. He pulls out a gun from his jacket and shoots Batman in the torso. Batman falls over one of the many ledges of the cave but grabs onto the edge. The Joker walks over, looks down at the struggling Batman and smiles as he steps on his fingers. He falls into the dark depths of the cave and lands into a body of water. The impact plus the shock from getting shot knocks him out as the water carries him away.

Batman wakes up in the sewers he's been living in for the past year or two. He had been carried into the heart of gotham by the sewer lines and had no idea where he was. He had lost a lot of blood on his journey to the center of Gotham. Batman crawls out of the water and tries to find any fabrics or anything in general to cover his wound. Right now, he's all sorts of fucked.

From this point on, it gets a little hazzy. But Batman runs into Killer Croc somewhere down the line and he's in no fucking shape to fight him. But they get it on anyway because Batman, no matter how fucked up he is, has to kick someones ass. And by God, it's going to be glorious.

So he runs into Croc and they duke it out. Batman is basically fueled by rage/adrenaline at this point. They're going all through out the sewers taking a throwing punchs at each other. Batman is doing his best to avoid attacks by ducking and rolling around, trying to confuse Croc. Too occupied by fighting to notice, they reach the end of a sewer tunnel that is water falling into a pool below. Think of that scene from The Fugitive, but in the sewers and with Batman played by Harison Ford.

Batman stands by the edge realizing that shit is going to get serious. Without warning, Croc lunges himself into Batman, spearing him off the platform and into the water below. They both hit the water hard. I vididly remember this scene because it was so surreal. It was like I saw Batman hit the water from down below, everything dark with a shade of shit green. Batmans legs are kicking, trying to stay a float as he treats his gunshot wound which croc just speared himself into pretty nicely. Then out from the bottm left hand corner, Croc swims up like the predator that he is, unsuspectingly. It was like watching Jaws for the first time.

He swims under Batman and tries to bite his feet but Batman kicks him right in the fucking face. Croc grabs his legs and tosses him in the air. He falls back into the water where Croc grabs him again, but this time Batman can't get him off. Killer Croc throws Batman against a concrete wall and begins to swim to the ledge that surrounds the pool of dirty sewer water. Before Croc can reach him, Batman see's another tunnel and begins to back into it.

This tunnel is much different from the series of tunnels they had fought in before. It's a lot lower to the ground, which a tiny ledge sticking out of the wall on Batman's left side. Batman starts backing down the tunnel slowing, keeping his hands out, ready to fight. Croc stares his prey down, mimicing his moves. Their eyes are locked. The fucking tension is so goddamn high, it was like the part of a wet dream right before you cum. You know it's going to be good, you know whats going to happen, but fuck it's so exciting.

Croc, never breaking eye contact grabs a broken peice of glass laying on the tiny ledge next to him and holds it like a combat knife. Ready to sink it into Batmans neck. Batman watch's him carefully. The only way to counter his soon to be coming attack was to grab the large red brick next to him. They both have their weapons. They're both ready. Shit is about to fucking go down.

Batman screams. He screams like he's never screamed in his life. It's a fucking battle cry. It's a battle high. Croc screams right back at him, back in his fucking face out of madness. They lunge at each other grabbing each others free hands. Croc sinks the glass deep into Batmans shoulder while the heavy red brick kisses Croc in the temple. Batman kicks his chest to push away. The glass shard is left in his shoulder and Croc is laying on his back, already starting to get up. Batman see's this chance and takes it before its too late. He spritns towards him while taking the shard out. The pain doesn't even matter right now, it can be ignored. The only thing Batman has to worry about is driving the glass into Croc's throat. He lands on Crocs chest and digs the glass deep into his throat, twisting it as it goes in. Without hesitation, without delay or time to react, Batman already has the brick in his hands again and begins to beat in Crocs skull. He had been there for a few moments before he realized that there was virtually nothing left of Crocs face.

Batman had left the brick where Croc's face once resided and walked out of the sewer tunnel casually. Like this is the every day life of Batman. I then woke up to Ratatouille and enjoyed a hot dog.